2nd Thoughts of an American Country Boy (on Bungee Jumping)

Joe’s accurate recollection of his BUNGEE JUMPING experience… The only words that I could come up with after jumping off of the largest bridge in SA, and the highest point from which to bungee jump in the world, were, “what the hell was I thinking.” I am soooo not the kind of guy who jumps off of bridges, or so I thought. I blame it all on Dave Moore, he told me I had to or else I wasn’t cool… well he said nothing about not being cool, but he told me I had to nonetheless, so I did. Upon jumping, you free fall for 4 seconds and then are snapped back up two times to do a lesser version of the fall. The following four second excerpt was taken verbatim, from my free fall of 160 meters… 5-4-3-2-1 jump Joe – Short scream, followed by falling at terminal velocity (about 75mph) while attempting to breathe - gasping for air – now beginning to realize the magnitude of what I just did to myself, I attempted to scream in sheer fright, but it was then that I realized that no one could hear my lame whimpering so I stopped all unnecessary bodily movement and prepared either to have my ankles dislocated and become 3 feet taller or to become a shish-kebob for a leopard on one of the millions of trees below me, orrrr a nice flesh pancake for the lions that surely lurk in the night. No jokes, all of this runs through your mind in four seconds… After all, you were crazy enough to jump off of the largest bridge in SA with only a rubber band attached to your ankles. Continuing on in my experience, I finally reached the bottom of the band’s elasticity, and felt like stretch armstrong, as what seemed like 3 or 4 g’s pulled at my eyeballs. I tried to remain silent, but there was some strange groaning that was occurring from deep in my guts – I think it was my intestines unnaturally bonding with my heart, lungs and liver, but I am not sure. The Yankee was yanked back up to what I soon found to be the painful part of the jump. Since this trip was all about special moments, why not yank me up to a horizontal position (unusual according to my jump coaches) and do it all over again…the second fall is still higher than any other jump in the world by the way… (insert repeat description) After snapping me a second time I remembered what my coaches said, “you will bounce three times and then we will come and get you.” At this point I got a tremendous wave of courage and I screamed, knowing that I had conquered death. It was a rather girly scream, one that would put Celine Deon’s high C to shame, but I thought I was entitled to let it all hang out after what just happened. Then the peace came… I didn’t die… I said, “Whoa, I just jumped off of the largest bridge in the world. I just hung there peacefully for 1 minute with the blood rushing to my head, until a guy on a winch line yelled, “heh, whatcha doin?” I told him I was just hangin out, watchin’ the world go round. Then he asked me if I was married, and I boldly said yes. He asked me which was worse… since 80% of the blood in my body was in my head at that point and I totally felt on top of things (no pun intended), I wittily responded with… UMM (pause) no question man, marriage was much easier. He proceeded to come into my view. Just then, I felt him grab my legs and then I saw him disconnect me from something that looked like a bungee cord and reconnect me to something else… big mistake dude – his legs were promptly placed in what is aptly called vice-grips in wrestling. He is the one who didn’t tell me that he was disconnecting me so he deserved the pain he felt at that point. The words of my bungee coach were coursing through my head, “you will think that he is disconnecting you from the cord, but he is not, don’t worry.” I thought for sure that it was a conspiracy and that I was going to die any second. They tricked me… lied even, and now the strap, which I had built a relationship with and learned to trust, was disconnected and I had to learn to trust a whole new substance – this guy that is surely trying to kill me. If you are reading this and thinking that I am over-dramatizing it, go ahead and try it out… sissy, this was the scariest thing I had ever done and all rational thinking was just thrown off of a bridge, remember? The guy’s legs remained clamped by my arms the whole way up with him repeatedly telling me to loosen my grip, and we eventually reached the top of the bridge again. Think the fun is over? Not a chance… now you get to maneuver Joe’s 220lb body onto the mesh platform, from which point he can see the earth some 650ft down, and disconnect him from the bungee cord…. The bungee cord? Yes, I was still connected and No I didn’t die. The guy who rescued me, who was surely an angel and not the man who tried to kill me, laughed and said that I thought his legs were hot and that I asked him to marry me instead on the way up, during the rescue. This is surely not true, is it? After your jump, you get to watch the other suckers do their jump, and laugh at their facial expressions in the process. When we get back I will tell you more, but I trust you had a gut wrenching laugh at my “special” moment. Can’t wait to see you all soon, I miss you and love you. – Joe